A Promise to God, My Family, and to Myself

For as long as I can remember, I have dreamt of becoming a full-time stay-at-home wife, mom, and farmer. My goal and passion in life is to be a true representation of a farmer's wife: To love with all my heart. To be strong and courageous. To be soft and tender. To be faithful and devoted to God, my family, and our little farm.

Although my husband and I have been blessed with beautiful farm land three years ago, we don't know when we will be able to officially start building our house and our farm dreams. In the meantime, as we wait, we continue to fully seek God in everything we do. We want to make sure that we accomplish our present goals while we work towards our future goals. 

One way that I have been working towards our present and future goal is by trying to figure out how I am meant to contribute to that, while at the same time being in God's will, whether that's by working outside the home or by staying home with our son and taking care of my family and where we currently reside (which is at my parent's house until we can afford to build our house). The most common thing and the answer that makes the most sense is to work outside the home, even if it's just part-time as that would obviously provide the money that we would need to not only help our future goals but to also help with our month-to-month goals. However, since we have our son now, that makes me long to be home with him, plus being a stay-at-home mom is part of my life long dream....but so is having a farm and raising our kids and animals on that farm. This makes it very tricky because if I work outside the home, then that gets us closer to our farm dream, but then I loose time with our son. If I stay home with our son, then that makes it hard to accomplish our month-to-month goals and our future goals. So it's kind of a win, lose situation...at least in my eyes. 

Due to wanting both dreams equally, it makes it hard to decide which path is right, which one is the best, and more importantly, which one does God want me to take. Based on how I'm thinking or feeling each day can determine which path I want to focus on more for that day. Sometimes I solely want to stay home and not worry about how the future will come to past and trust God that He will provide a way. Other times, I want the farm dream so bad that I am willing to do anything to get there. It's a constant battle. 

Although I am willing to fight for whichever path is the right one, is the best one, and is God's will, I am also so tired of trying to figure it out and of constantly wondering, questioning, and worrying about it. It causes nothing but headache, heartache, and stress. Therefore, I have decided to try both paths and see which one is meant to be, according to God's will. I have already tried working full-time while having our son and that definitely did NOT work, but at least I can say later that I tried it and I know without a doubt that that particular path is not the right one (at least for this point in time). So, now I am going to try officially being a stay at home wife, mom, and caretaker and see what happens. It is a little scary because of not knowing how the money will come in, but I believe if it is in fact God's will for my life, then He will provide with what we need. However, if He doesn't provide us with the money that we need, then I know that staying at home is not the right answer either (yet at least). And if that's the case, then I will look for a part-time job, and try that path, and so forth until I know for sure which path is right according to where we are now, where we want to be in the future, and to God's will. 

So here's to trying different paths. Here's to letting go of me trying to figure it out and trusting God with every step.

Feel free to make me accountable by reminding me of this decision of trusting God and not letting my thoughts, feelings, emotions, and wants to get in the way of that. Prayers and encouragement would also go a long way ;)